How Did We Ever Meet

We're sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette that we share between us. You run your hand through your black shaggy hair and exhale as you pass the cigarette from your hand to mine. I put it to my mouth and suck but don't breathe. I'm tricking you into thinking that I like to smoke with you on my porch swing that looks like it came from IKEA.

"Not bad," I say, "I prefer Camels."

You nod your head, "I take what I can get."

I hand the cigarette back to you and we sit in silence just a few seconds more. Long enough for both of us to think of something to say. As we both try to start a topic at the same time we stop, look at each other and laugh. "You go first," I say.

"I was going to say you shouldn't hold your breath."

I inhale. "What do you mean?"

"It works much better if you breathe it in." You're looking at your shoes.

"I just--" I don't know what to say. "I don't like smoke."

"You didn't have to lie to me."

I guess I thought I did have to lie. It just wasn't a big deal in my mind. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry," you said, "just be yourself. I like you for you."

"Thanks." My breath catches in my throat, "I was going to say that I really hope we're more than friends." We exchange a look before I continue, "Because with all that we've been through, I just don't think that I could go back to the way things were."

There's silence for what feels like forever.

"Do you remember how we met?" you ask me.

"It was Rocky's birthday and we were all at the bar." I laughed, "I remember."

"I bet you don't remember me staring at you all night," you said, "and how I tried to walk you home."

"No," I said, "I don't remember that at all. I remember you talking to Christina all night until Rocky got totally hammered and you called him a cab. That's when I left."

"I really wanted to walk you home." I can hear the longing in your voice. If you could go back would you have done anything different? Would you have talked to me all night instead?

"I don't regret anything," I say, "I wasn't capable of making any good choices that night anyway."

"At least you didn't make a wrong choice." You're looking down the street as if you can see the ghost of me walking home alone that night. As if you can see the whole event taking place and it is only just out of my line of sight. I wish I could read your mind. I wish you would share what you're thinking with me.

"What if you had walked me home?"

"I would have--" You look at me, think for a moment and then answer, "I would have regretted it."

We don't look at each other for a while. The time passes silently and your cigarette is almost ash. When we finally do look at each other it's you that talks first, "Don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells with me."

"I don't."

WALL-E drinking game rules

Anyone says "walle" or "eve" bedsides themselves.
Plant is shown on screen during a scene
"Foreign contaminant" is said
"Rogue robots" is said (two sips)
"Directive" is said
There is a moment of insight for a character
This game is guaranteed to get you hammered.

Our Unique Wants and Needs

How do you gauge what you should be doing from what you shouldn't? In a society where almost all things are accepted where do you draw the line, or do you?
Sure, some things have laws preventing them but besides those bad decisions what is frowned upon?
Nothing is bad unless you make it bad. There is an emotion that we humans feel called "shame" that keeps us from doing wrong. Actually, normally it doesn't stop anyone from doing anything just makes them regret it.
In this world of "shame" and "regret" are the same principals as the old world where a lady's worth was dependent on her reputation. A spotless reputation was marked by a lady who caused no trouble at all and was the picture of piety and accomplishment.  A woman who had to watch her every word and show nothing.
Today we can do anything we want but we still feel that old world "shame" for having sullied our reputations with the shameful act. So can we truly do whatever we want, or is it an illusion?
I believe that if you want something that breaks no laws and harms no one, despite the way society sees it, you should feel no shame. Our wants and needs are unique and we can't all hope to be satisfied by the same "vanilla" lifestyle.
Walking around pretending to be perfect does more harm to society than good. Imagine a world full of clones each one the same as the next.
The next time you are facing a decision take a look at your options. There's always an easy and a hard option. Think about what you want the most and do it without shame. Regardless of how hard it is to be yourself, accomplish your goals or make the right decision for you, the right road is often the one that you want to take.

Without Fear of Consequences

This house is heated past the boiling point. In this heat anyone can look appealing. I’d forgotten how the heat can make you want to do things. Things you never thought you’d do. My stomach flutters and my skin boils. My blood turns bright red under my skin.

The touch is piercing. Cold water reaches up and brings goose bumps to every inch of me. Your hands on my shoulders and their soft skin rub my fears away. There is nothing when I close my eyes but the beat of your heart behind mine. Together we dive in.

Cold sharp water surrounds me in every direction. Distorted light, no sound, but the warmth of your hand finds me and we fall upwards together. We break surface with a splash of moonlight and I reach through the distance between us to give you a kiss. You are my love. My love is a tender and boisterous thing. It cannot be contained or silenced, it cannot hold a secret. You are my love.

For My Mother

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen."

--Reinhold Niebuhr

This prayer peeks its head into my life when I need it the most and it reminds me of my mother's struggles through recovery. If she can become the strong woman she is today I know I have nothing less inside of me.

For Dan

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
– Mother Teresa

I know for a fact you have said this to me and when I stumbled upon reading it I cried a little to hear your voice again in my head. Thank you.

Inches of Me

I wonder why it hurts at the end of the night. Like a sinkhole in my chest and everything falls deep deep down into the abyss. I call you all night to remind you to call me. Your voice-mail is full because you never delete old messages. It's not because I filled it up. It's not because you're a lazy ass. Your court date is coming up. Nothing serious, a misdemeanor that will likely be a huge-ass fine.
What do I want from you? You keep asking me this, I don't know any more than you do. I know on the surface I want a perfect man that will let me care for him, and maybe he'll care back. He'll call, talk for hours,  then come over anyway. He'll have a car, an apartment, a steady job. He'll love dogs, music, dancing, games and movies. But who doesn't?
I've been having a bug problem. Something curls up to me at night and bites me repeatedly. The bites have been killing me for a week, so I moved to the top bunk last night. Then I smashed something that looked promisingly like the bug that could give me these bites, tonight I'll sleep on the top bunk again just in case. I think I starved it out last night. I hope I did. I miss you.
I feel like these bites make me ugly. I shouldn't feel this way because you're not a superficial man. You're so real it scares me. So I keep calling you, just hoping to hear your voice and know you're alive. Please answer, I think. Then it gets to about five rings and I scold myself, fine, I say, Fine I don't care. I don't want you to call me back, ever. Because I know when you call back it will be disappointing. It will mean I won't see you for many more days, hours. You promised me you'd call today, nothing. Promised me tomorrow, nothing. Promised me Sunday, a call to tell me you're too tired. You slept all yesterday, you work tomorrow night, you miss me too. You laugh and try to joke me back to happiness. But you can't. All I want is your attention.
I keep feeding to your need for attention without getting anything back. You don't care to give me any attention so I know if I didn't call you five times a day I wouldn't hear from you.
This is how much is stuck in my head. I hate it.
The old relationships were boring and I wanted more conversation, more action, more reaction.
You give me something to fret about. But this isn't what I call more action. Just me being pathetic.
This is a pity party for one.
Let's get right down to it:
I want to talk to you. I want to hear your voice. I want to touch you all night, fall asleep in your arms, on your chest. I want to call off work and just lay with you. I want to do whatever you want, I want to see you smile after. I want to care for you like no one ever has. I want to love you until you believe me, until you feel safe again.
You don't want to feel safe. You want to wander until you find something interesting, then wander to another thing.
It makes me wonder.
When you told me you woke up naked in someone else's house, I wondered. You said it was nothing, pulled off your clothes while you slept. Where were you? Why?
You're a good liar.
So am I.
I kissed someone else. You drove me to it.
My chest feels like a chain smoker's.
This is what I've never felt before. But I can't put a word to it.